It’s time to move on. We are going our separate ways.
What could appropriately be labeled as the most influential, life defining and life shaping relationship of my life has come to an end.
Most would not have expected this since we seemed to be such a great fit. To be fair, we were for a long time. It made sense, it was real and I was committed to going the whole distance. I believed it all. I sacrificed friendships, dreams and desires for the sake of One. I made career decisions on the foundation of this relationship.
Then things slowly started to change. I began poking holes at the bubble we were in and the picture started taking on new forms. The more I thought for myself and took some distance, the more I realized this relationship of ours was not that great. The premise on which it had come to be was falling apart.
It wasn’t all bad of course. There were many great moments. Many wonderful relationships and friendships have come out of this one and they continue to be a part of my life today. Many life lessons learned. Many life values that I carry with me. Life has a way of serving up good in the midst of bad and bad in the midst of good. Take what is served.
I went back and forth for a long time. Years actually. More like a decade really. I was desperately trying to hold on and desperately trying to find some sense to this love story that was slowly, oh so slowly, losing its meaning. I didn’t mean it to. It just did.
I’m still the same person but now I can finally start to find myself and think for myself, and feel for myself outside its shadow.
It cast a big shadow and the lines were blurred.
In this relationship it was said that to give not all was to give nothing. So I gave all.
Outside this relationship it was said that I was a sinner deserving death and all I could do amounted to nothing but filthy rags. A sinner. Totally depraved. Loved, but not … unless. It’s complicated. I believed it and embraced my nothingness and the need for this relationship in order to be healed, cured and restored.
I was continuously reminded that :
“I love you but …”
“Without me you can do nothing.”
“If you love me you will do as I say.”
From birth, through no choice of my own I was apparently set on a road to destruction. This was said to be loving and nothing to be worried about so long as I surrendered and believed. So I did. I did not know better.
Now I think I do.
This relationship was very real but also not. Regardless, it is now over.
By all the measurements that I have for defining a Christian, I am not a Christian.Joshua Harris
This is the most difficult and scariest decision I have ever made. When you turn away from the one thing that defined all your life (and threatened your unbelief), you can’t help but wonder what will be left, if anything, on the other side.
So what’s next? Which way is up after ending such a long relationship? Well, I’m still me. Still the same person. That’s a start 😉
What about you? Are you questioning this relationship? Have you had to break up with God/Christianity? What was on the other side?