A few days ago, I hit 40. I’m not much of a birthday person so I can’t say it’s a big deal. I think people around me enjoy it way more than I do. Is it because I’m boring, dull and lack the ability to simply have fun? Maybe. Maybe not. I can seriously overthink this.

Regardless, I might as well seize the “oh my gosh, I’m 40!” moment and reflect. Thinking. Now that is something I love to do.

So, 40. Happy belated birthday to me. I’ve never wished myself happy birthday before. 40 is the year to do it.

Is this when I can start pulling the “When I was your age” or the “if there’s anything I’ve learned in my time here on earth” statements? To be clear, I’ve been saying these to my kids for quite some time. But maybe now I can start using them more frequently, like at work or when I’m chatting with the cashier or barber. When I was just 39 I didn’t have much to say. But now! I mean, come on, I’m 40. Time to get cracking. Maybe 40 is when I finally start writing on this blog with a hint of regularity.

I may be imagining this, and my mom can correct me if I’m wrong, but I seem to recall (back when I was young) something in our house that read “The older I get, the better I cook.” Mom, am I making this up? Is it the old age making me imagine things?

I do cook better today than I did before and those chocolate eclairs are a demonstration of my superior skills. But this little post is not about my culinary skills. It’s just about being 40. It’s about getting better at life and what we learn from it as we journey along. Not all of us get better at it I guess but I like to think that I do.

This past week I discovered the song ‘You’ by Gungor (posted below). Go ahead, listen to it and then come back. I’ll wait.

The song got me thinking about my 40-year spiritual/religious journey and where it has lead me so far. I think I’m at a place of better understanding and maturity. Some of you might disagree!

I like how the song describes a journey that is not a rigid straight line. It is rather multilayered. At times certain, at times confused. At times holding on, at times letting go. A journey filled with turning points and markers that help us identify what we’ve been through.

The older I get the more I find myself wondering if there is a God and yet the more I find myself trusting that there is and hoping that this God is as good as the Bible says (although not always very clearly). The older I get, the more I embrace uncertainty about things I thought I was certain about for most of my life. The older I get the more I think the church needs to let go of doctrinal certainty and its desire to control if it wants to follow Jesus and change the world. The older I get, the more I hold onto the hope that Jesus did come to change the world and that all things can and will be made new.

The bible begins and ends with the beauty and order we all long for. Everything in between is a series of stories showing humanity (for the most part through the lens of individuals and a one group of people) trying to figure out what the hell went wrong and wrestling with the way God works and how the story we are invited into is meant to engage our entire being. Through it all, this God steps into our mess and at every corner tries to be known (even to the point of taking the blame for some absurd and awful things – try genocide). Then, Jesus comes along and says look at me and you’ll see God.

Simple? Not always. Beautiful? Definitely.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere in particular. I was just listening to a song and it got me thinking.